Confessions of a Lost Girl – Destiny

I always knew I was going to be a mother.  Throughout all the pain and bull shit of it all, that’s the one thing I knew was destined to be a part of my life.  I loved babies and taking care of them and it all just seemed so natural to me.  Strangely enough I didn’t desire to be a mom just because I enjoyed playing house.  My goal was to be a better mom to my child then mine had been to me.  I’m not saying that mine was a beast by any means but I usually  felt a little more than just misunderstood.  And while I was having these outrageous dreams of an early motherhood not once did I factor in a father for my love child.  Oh no, the father would just get in the way.  Besides he couldn’t possibly be a better parent than I could at a naive 11 years old.  Now before you go turning blue in shock over an 11 year old dreaming of having babies,  you must know that I was still a virgin at this time.  I hadn’t even gotten my first kiss yet.  All I knew was that my life would be completely fulfilled with just me and my baby.  I was going to be the best mommy in the world and my child would never hate me or be embarrassed by me, because I would be young and hip and know all the right words to say.  I was determined to make sure my child never felt the way I did when the lights went off.  As young as I was I struggled almost daily with feelings off being lost and alone.  I just did not have that strong mother-daughter bond for which I craved.  It’s no mystery that the real reason I disliked my sister as a child was that she had what I always wanted…mom.

In reality, it would be another five years before my first pregnancy, but it only took three years for me to give my virginity away.  Three pregnancies later I gave birth to my son, Adrian, followed by my daughter, Valencia, the following year.  It’s still early in the game but so far I think I’m still in the running for “World’s Greatest Mom”.


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