What would you do?

Realizing when you were wrong can be the hardest thing you ever do but it can also be the most rewarding.  As an optimist I’m always striving to look for the brighter side of a bad situation, or I trap myself into unhealthy situations in order to reap the positive benefits.  Foolish, some might say.  Gold-digger?  Ha! I choose to look at it from a business stand point. For instance, you’ve got two prime candidates for a relationship.  They both love you and you love them both in your own special way.  Basically, you love them for different reasons.  If you lived in a perfect world you could mesh them both together and live happily ever after, but realistically life sucks and you just have to make a choice.  Pursue Candidate A and risk ruining a beautiful friendship or pursue Candidate B and risk damaging multiple lives.  Either way, you’re not going to be satisfied because neither one is the complete package.  Destined to be miserable.  Destined to be lonely.  What would you do?

21 Questions

Good morning to all you Jive Turkeys.  I’ve got a question for you.  Is being a Christian supposed to bring you happiness on Earth or just in Heaven?  I mean, I know everything is going to be glorious in Heaven.  But in the mean time are we supposed to strive for Earthly happiness or just accept the fact that happiness isn’t for the Earth bound?  Or could it be that Earth is really hell and there isn’t anything down below (if you know what I mean)?  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happy.  I guess I’m about as happy as the next person but do you ever get that feeling like something’s missing?  I feel that way all the time.  If your’e in a relationship you’re significant other makes you happy.  If you have kids, they make you happy.  A job can make you happy.  But what does it really take for someone to become completely 100% happy with their life?  Is that even possible? I’m sure your’e probably reading this and wondering if I’ve lost my mind, and I would have to say, “no”.  I’m just tired of being unhappy.  I’m tired of not being able to have what I want.  I’m tired of being nice and considerate.  Maybe it’s time that I start being selfish.

Who invited love to the party?

Her heart raced every time he touched her and for the first time in what seemed like years, she knew he was the one.  Never again would she have to cry herself to sleep.  Never again would she long for that one man who knew her better than she knew herself.  Here he stood beside her where he had been all along. 

Yada yada yada.

If only love could be so simple.  I mean, really.  I can remember watching the Soap Opera’s with my mom as a child, and although it always seemed like every marriage was a match made in heaven that was never the case.  These people got married and divorced about as often as they changed underwear and sadly to say, that seems more like reality than most romance geared shows.  Falling in love just isn’t as easy as it used to be.  Back when my parents were courting, it was uncool to sleep around and no one was able to google you online.  Nowadays, having multiple lovers before tying the knot is pretty common and acceptable even.  If you lose touch with a high school sweetheart, theyr’e just a click away courtesy of the internet.  Should I stay? Should I go?  Who can really answer that question any more? Is it just me or is life much more simple when you decide to remain single?  Yeah, I have my “girly” moments when I want to be cuddled and romanced but then I have what I call my “guy” moments when I really just don’t care.  I used to blame these “guy” moments on my failed marriage but now I don’t know.  Maybe my “guy” moments are just a newly developed character trait that has come with age.

NAH!!!!!!  I just don’t care.  But then the girl in me says, “But what about me?  Am I ever going to have a wedding?”  (No I didn’t have a wedding with my first marriage).  And like a sap I”ll start bending to her will and signing up for wedding sites and looking in wedding magazines.  How about this?  How about I start a business where women like myself can have a mock wedding.  No strings attached. No marriage license.  Just a place where we can experience the wedding without the added drama of having a husband.  (And the women all scream with delight).  Seriously, what’s love got to do with getting married.  Isn’t it all just about good business decisions any way?  Obviously, if I want to live the life of the upper middle class than it wouldn’t be a good business decision for me to marry someone who has bad credit and can barely take care of himself.  A good business manager would make the choice to merge with an individual with descent to excellent credit, a college degree, and a job that doesn’t require him to ask, “May I take your order?”  Isn’t that what we are really doing when we decide to get married?  We all have this vision of what we want our life to be  but should we run into a hiccup than the obvious choice would be to merge (I’m sorry, marry) with an individual who will help us achieve that vision.  How about we all just do ourselves a huge favor and just get over it.  Love doesn’t exist.  It’s just a four letter word some idiot invented to justify the human merger of two individuals in a jacked up world.

Poetry 1 – Fireworks

Fireworks

He was a hot summer night on the fourth of July

His cocoa brown butter skin was too much to deny

To walk away from his love would be more than a lie

So I sit, and I sigh

So I think, and that’s why

I’ve got lady fingers poppin’ from my hips to my thighs

The stars are shinning but their nothing like the stars in my eyes

Your rocket’s got me feeling like I think I can fly

Then I sit, and I sigh

So I think, and that’s my

Reason for the lovin’ that’s gonna’ get yourself high

I’ve got you wheeling off this cherry bomb that’s making you cry

I’ll ride your roman candle through the night, no need to say bye

So I sit, and I ride

Oh my, Oh my

Need a Hand?

Looking into your child’s eyes can help  you put a lot of things into perspective.  All of the questions you’ve been asking yourself such as: What am I doing here?  Should I move to another city/state?  Where do I want to be in my career in the next five years?   The answers to these questions and many many more can all be answered by simply looking into the eyes of your child.  I may have been a mother for just four years but I know where my priorities are, and they definately aren’t in the arms of a man or at a dead end job.  I learned very early in life that in order to get anywhere you have to set goals and make a plan to achieve those goals.  There are a lot of young women and men who don’t realize that.  Once the plan is made, stick to it but realize and accept that there will be obstacles.  Nothing worth having comes easy and that’s just one of those things that is learned with age and experience.  I know I was young and naive and even at the young age of thirty I’m beginning to feel a little old when I see young women behave the way they do. 

Even if you don’t have a child, having goals and priorities should be all you need to keep you on the straight path to success.  Recently I’ve found myself in a situation where I can mentor to a young lady who is just too naive to know proper and improper workplace etiquette.  I pray that I do her justice because she’s got a lot to learn.

Confessions of a Lost Girl – First Kiss

The clouds must have fallen from the sky and landed under my feet the day I got my first kiss.  The fact that I had even been kissed was more of a surprise then the kiss itself.   I mean I was twelve years old and none of the guys at school had ever even remotely shown any type of romantic interest in me.  In reality I was the middle man.  The girls came to me to get information about the boys and the boys came to me to help get them out the dog house .  I had crushes but I was just never the lovey-dovey-mushy type.  I was competitive and loved knowing I was stronger than a boy or could do something better than boys.  Besides I learned at a really young age that girls can just be more trouble than they’re worth.  Even now I could count on one hand how many female friends I’ve had longer than five years.  But back to the topic at hand. 

His name was Rashaad and he had invited me over to talk about his relationship with a friend of mine.  Oddly enough, he didnt’ really have much to say.  I could tell he was thinking about something but he just wouldn’t spit it out.  Since he didn’t have much to say we cut my visit short and he walked me out the backdoor.  We said our good-byes and I began walking home.  The sun was shinning bright on that warm June day as I crossed the street and headed up the sidewalk to the next street over.

“Shey!”, Rashaad yelled.

I turned around to see Rashaad waving me back over to his house.  I figured he must have remembered what he wanted to ask me so I turned around and ran back.

“What’s up?”, I asked. 

“Never mind, ” he said. 

A little confused, I turned around and started walking home again.  The first time he called me back was confusing, but when he did it a second and a then a third time I was beginning to get a little upset.

“Do you want me or not?”, I asked, panting to  catch my breath.  And then it happened.  My mouth was hanging wide open waiting for his response when he quickly moved in and kissed me.  Tongue and everything.  For a second I just stood there stunned and for a brief moment I remembered he was my friends ex-boyfriend.  Ex being the keyword so I did what any warm blooded american girl would do.  I kissed him back.  Of course I had no idea what I was doing but I figured he must know so I tried copying him. And then just as quickly as it began it was over.  He pulled away and smiled at me with his huge kool-aid grin and I continued to stand there with my mouth wide open.  I must have looked ridiculous and all I could say was, “Umm, I think I’m going to go home now.”  He said good-bye one last time and I started walking home.  This time I decided to take the short cut and as soon as I knew I was out of his sight I took off running as fast as I could to my bestfriends house to tell her all about it.  I was on cloud nine and there was nothing anyone could do to pull me down.

Confessions of a Lost Girl – Destiny

I always knew I was going to be a mother.  Throughout all the pain and bull shit of it all, that’s the one thing I knew was destined to be a part of my life.  I loved babies and taking care of them and it all just seemed so natural to me.  Strangely enough I didn’t desire to be a mom just because I enjoyed playing house.  My goal was to be a better mom to my child then mine had been to me.  I’m not saying that mine was a beast by any means but I usually  felt a little more than just misunderstood.  And while I was having these outrageous dreams of an early motherhood not once did I factor in a father for my love child.  Oh no, the father would just get in the way.  Besides he couldn’t possibly be a better parent than I could at a naive 11 years old.  Now before you go turning blue in shock over an 11 year old dreaming of having babies,  you must know that I was still a virgin at this time.  I hadn’t even gotten my first kiss yet.  All I knew was that my life would be completely fulfilled with just me and my baby.  I was going to be the best mommy in the world and my child would never hate me or be embarrassed by me, because I would be young and hip and know all the right words to say.  I was determined to make sure my child never felt the way I did when the lights went off.  As young as I was I struggled almost daily with feelings off being lost and alone.  I just did not have that strong mother-daughter bond for which I craved.  It’s no mystery that the real reason I disliked my sister as a child was that she had what I always wanted…mom.

In reality, it would be another five years before my first pregnancy, but it only took three years for me to give my virginity away.  Three pregnancies later I gave birth to my son, Adrian, followed by my daughter, Valencia, the following year.  It’s still early in the game but so far I think I’m still in the running for “World’s Greatest Mom”.